Hollow

Today I'm feeling Hollow. Lately I've been feeling the over-burdening weight of responsibility on my shoulders. The work just seems to pile up, and up, and up, and it feels like I'm drowning in all of the work. Things that used to give me joy no longer do. Playing 1v1 mid matchups just isn't fun for me anymore. Dota 2, is starting to not feel as fun, but that doesn't matter really. I've just been feeling so demoralized lately, and I can't seem to see why. We've had crushing defeats in Dota, and just when it started to seem like I've seen the light, and progressing, I just fall all the way back down. There is no way I'm ever going to rank up. But, I have to keep trudging on. Dota was never for the fun, it was always for the learning.

I probably felt twice as worse when I first started Dota: let me tell you a story. When we first started Dota, my winrate was around five percent. I lost almost every single game. It was insane how much I lost, and the scores would be so crushing. One game I remember we had 89 deaths, and we had only killed them 5 times. But, somehow I kept on playing Dota, persevering. One game in particular though, broke my soul. I was playing, and my teammates thought I was doing so terribly they wanted me to abandon. Feeling shame for bringing down the team, I did. I regret my decision to this day.

Those kinds of people are mean. There's no reason to listen to them. I've been that guy in that situation. It's very hard to see whether they are a griefer, or someone who's genuinely trying. Generally, I will only get mad at people who refuse to communicate. If you're talking, it means you are trying. Even if you're just flaming, at least you're putting in an effort. The people who don't even talk, those are the cowards. It takes courage to speak up, and tell them that you are new, or need advice.

All of that is besides the point however, because I've been struggling to find meaning in things. My mom is really pushing me to do track, but I don't really want to do it. We're getting a new electric piano soon, and I really want to invest myself. I don't have really any hobbies right now, and I think it would be really cool to master the piano.

I'm starting lessons with my Grandma tomorrow, and I'm very excited to learn. I think piano is something I'm going to find some meaning, and maybe create some really cool music. I'm very excited for the arrival of the piano, and even though learning music is going to be a hard grind, I really want to play some cool songs. I can maybe even mix them into some of my youtube videos.

Well, this was a longer blog post I guess, but that's it for today

Signing out.